


The Emotional Roadshow: The Few

by a_cruel_cruel_girl



Series: The Emotional Roadshow [1]
Category: BLURRYFACE - Twenty One Pilots (Album), Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Cute, Emotional Roadshow World Tour, Fluff, Multi, Polyamorous Character, Polyamory, Threesome - F/M/M, Tour Bus, Touring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-26
Updated: 2017-11-26
Packaged: 2019-02-07 08:18:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12837060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_cruel_cruel_girl/pseuds/a_cruel_cruel_girl
Summary: The Emotional Roadshow Tour, the story of how Jenna and Tyler become Jenna, Tyler and Josh.Closely follows exactly what happened throughout the tour, on how Tyler is a stressed musician with a lovely wife, who both view Josh as someone who completes them. Through the dates of the first leg of the Emotional Roadshow, you get a to see a strange romance bloom, and a friendship strengthen.This is the edited version of my old work under the same title.





	The Emotional Roadshow: The Few

The Emotional Roadshow.  
Cincinnati OH, May 31st 2016, US Bank Arena.  
This tour is perhaps the build up of my entire life, something i never imagined happening, something so wild i was scared of it for longer than i can even imagine. I remember sitting for hours contemplating lyrics that fit homely to a piano melody. I remember the very ache in my bones as I struggled to translate my mind's language into something that wasn't so jumbled. But I also remember the fierce strokes of pride that lapped at my skin once I'd composed the final song.  
Here I am, Josh behind me built up on a island, a stage, a world of our own. We’re silently but loudly preparing for this idyllic situation that somehow formed from our own sweat and tears, quite literally, the songs written and woven from us were built on the foundations of sadness that have now once bloomed into something far more than some stupid kid writing words.  
My mind is still so thick with thoughts, it’s a complete and utter jungle inside my forehead, the harassment of thought pushing me forward. I’m standing in what Josh likes to call my “big boy socks”, I’m surviving and i’m recovering. Everyone that comes along with insecurity is dressed up as Blurryface and I’m still defeating him, but I will always be defeating him, hopefully anyway. He’ll always lurk in my thoughts, muddying the pristine decor of my brain however I have been strong and willing in coming so far that I am classing myself as surviving him.  
He still taunts me but everything that's happened has defeated him. I owe the clique. I owe Josh. I owe the crew. I owe my family. But I also owe myself. I'm trying to be the happiest I can be.  
-  
Stepping out onto the stage is like breathing for the first time even in soundcheck. This is a new beginning and I am so excited for this tour, we have helped plan and make this tour the best we can, and it will consume me from the inside out if it isn’t everything i’m hoping. Although i keep hearing the negativity pour in, I’m not allowing it to sink in. Taking a new fresh breath, I hear the raw banging of Josh's drums which bring me out of my loud thoughts, and as I suddenly peer upwards to gaze at the abnormally glowing red lights, I realize I missed my queue for Heavy Dirty Soul.  
"Ty you okay bud" shouts Josh's hoarse voice, muffled with thought. I’m blinking rapidly letting my head shuffle back to it’s correct placement, letting the introspective tone slink backwards to the farthest part of my mind, I Look back at the red haired man who stared back doe eyed frantically, raising his eyebrows in anxiety. Words stop choked up in my throat, so I cough and nod briefly hoping the small affirmation conducts reassurance to my band member. He nods back seeing the conveyed apologetic look I’d been displaying, he knows I have my headspace and I know he has his.  
I don’t think anyone should have insecurities, no one should ever really be sad but Josh is just someone that, God. He couldn’t ever even begin to deserve it, I feel as if i do, maybe that's the mentality talking but Josh should never even have to touch the wretched illness of sadness and anxiety. He belongs in the light not with the heathens, he doesn’t deserve his harsh under appreciative ego, he deserves much more than it, he deserves happiness, but then, doesn't everybody?  
I’m not someone to parade emotions which is ironic because i’m famous for practically writing songs about mental health however I’m not someone who likes to push my emotions onto someone, it breaks my heart having people worry. Josh is someone who can pick me out and read me like a book and i hate to see those little frown lines that border his face when he see’s that something is up. I hate it even more when he asks. It’s even worse when i keep things boxed up because then he gets hurt and even more worried, so I just learnt to give in and tell him. I often have to explain to him the darkness that shrouds me, it’s getting lighter, well sometimes it is but with fame comes more insecurity. However in the early days when he could read me only a little i had to explain the songs.  
Not that he didn’t understand them but i had to explain my thoughts about them to him, in detail, like I was writing a book and synopsis about each song, It’s probably why he can read me better than Jenna. She's pretty darn good at it still but Josh just knows, like an instinct. The are old demos and still things relevant in our newer songs that conveys things either a little deeper or a little lighter than everyone assumes, Josh knowing these things sets his mind at rest. Him knowing whether I’m having a day when I can't look at the sun due to the feelings of drowning in my own head or whether i’m having a day when i feel like the freakin’ sun settles him down, less stress, less worry, less anxiety.  
As the beginning of the blurry air waves from the start of HeavyDirtySoul begin to play, I close my eyes tight holding in any leaking emotion, careful to box my mind away. My head drops to the ground, opening my eyes quickly, enough time to see the smudged dark plastic that covers the stage before I'm looking up again.  
"There's an infestation in my mind's imagination..."  
The words are out my mouth before I even think, and as I continue the opening song I am fuelled with adrenaline and new rush of pride. I made it. As soundcheck ends, I shuffle to Josh. His red hair already stuck down to his neck with sweat and his swinging arms hitting the drums.  
"Yuck, Josh is all gross"  
"Don't be mean Baby Boy" whined Josh pouting but breaking into a smile at the ridiculous pet name.  
Josh squinted and smiled at me and we both let out a breathy laugh. Both of us started to collect various objects off of the black stage and retreat from the boiling area into the cooled, carpeted hallway. We followed the red carpet down to a big room which had a big photo of us on the door. "Don't you think it’s weird?" Questioned Josh. " Hmm?" I replied obviously lost in my thoughts again. "Doesn't matter" Josh said back even though it did matter to him, and the idea of them being famous really did confuse him. Sure they worked for it, but he was just a boy from Ohio who likes capri-suns. Nothing special. I hadn't been listening but realized Josh's sudden scared tone that had laced his reply. And as I hesitantly opened the door to our dressing room I said " You okay man?"  
And Josh simply bobbed his head as if nothing was wrong. I questioned myself as to whether I should keep asking, begging for an answer. "No... Josh, what's up man?" Josh shuts his red eyes tightly and shakes his head slightly letting his ruffles of crimson hair flutter around. "It's weird, we're famous now" Josh stutters out feeling like an idiot. " I know man, we've come so far and we deserve it, you'll always tell me if you're in an uncomfortable situation right? Like in an interview or something, just tell me Josh. " I say lovingly. Neither of us felt particularly comfortable discussing our malfunctions and disorders but Joshua's anxiety is overpowering. "Yea, thanks man, love you dude"  
"Love you too Dog Breath"  
And then we hugged. Locked in our embrace we both lost a bit of our souls to heaven. Josh was so warm and he kept me alive. Sometimes you need a hug. Now was one of those times. We both pulled away, sensing how abnormally long that hug was but ignoring it because it is me and Josh, we're closer than brothers. And neither of us care that it's slightly odd,how close we are. "Come on, I bet I'll win in a game of Mario Kart!"  
"No you won't Ty, I'm the leading winner" I just stuck my tongue out childishly. "Race you!"  
And then I ran.  
-  
After a game of Mario kart, I began to realise how soft the couch was, it was squishy so I melted I to it and before you know it my eyes were closed. As I said Josh is what keeps me alive so of course, like a magnet, I leant on him, and just before I went to sleep I heard. "Goodnight Baby Boy, I'll wake you up for the show later.”  
-  
As I feel manly rough hands collide with my bare arms, I open my eyes squinting at the sudden harsh artificial light. 'Show time Ty.' Josh's small voice erupts into the silent air, making me jump. I shift my eyes to look at Josh's cotton pink hair and see him sniggering at my reaction to his soft voice. 'Shut uppp Josh' i exclaim at his cheeky giggle. Josh's pink lips suddenly tighten and close, trying to muffle his cruel laughter, it takes my breath away how cute he looks. His white shiny teeth grasping his lip as he bites it, makes me shudder with warmth.  
“Sorry Ty-guy.” Josh holds his large arms out, offering me his hand. I sigh tiredly and rub my eyes. 'You okay?' Says Josh smalley hoping to figure my mind's riddle for today. I raise my dull eyes to see his worried facial expression, and simply smile up at him. I give him my hands so he can pull me up with all his muscle, Josh is a mountain of muscle however I'm pretty scrawny but Josh doesn't mind... and neither does Jenna.  
'I should call Jenna and get ready'  
\---  
Phone to Jenna:  
Tyler: Hey Jenna.  
Jenna: Hey Ty.  
Tyler: How are you dear? Josh says hi but he's getting ready right now.  
Jenna: Yea I'm okay, I went shopping and bought some jewellery but nothing much has been going on, you? Say hi to him from me, I miss him too.  
Tyler: Tours crazy. Everything so different that even though I'm really happy, I'm really scared. I know it's been a day and this is the first day but I miss you a lot.  
Jenna: It's okay to be scared Ty, and I know you can get all in your head sometimes but I love you and you can call me anytime, and Josh promised me he'd look after you. He has been hasn't he? I miss you too darling, you're my world but I'll be there soon.  
Tyler: Thank you. Of course he has, its Josh.  
Jenna: Look it's 6:30, you better get ready for this show mister, and don't you dare lie and say you're ready, we're married I know you aren't! Besides if Josh is only just getting ready then the is no way you're ready before him.  
Tyler: You got me there Jen, I miss you, I can't wait for you to come out here with us. I love you  
Jenna: I love you too, with all my heart, tell Josh too. I'll be there sooner than you can imagine.  
Tyler: I will, I'll talk to you later, night dear.  
Jenna: Have a good show, don't break anything! Love you.  
Tyler: You too.  
\---  
'Jenna says hey and that she loves and misses you.' I whisper softly to Josh as we wait to be called backstage. 'What date is she coming on tour, I miss her too?' ' So do I buddy.' I say sympathetically, both us for a long time had really relied on Jen, she was an unstoppable motion of happiness that bought us both love. I ignore his question as the date I'm looking so forward too which is way too far away. Josh's wondering eyes gaze at me endearingly before moving forward and hugging me again, his warmth and sense of homeliness brings me back to the surface of my heavy thoughts. 'Jenna also told us not to break anything so try not to do that either Josh, I don't want you hurt.' I say softly to him, still locked in his cozy embrace.  
He pulled his head back and looked into my hazel eyes then simply hummed and winked before Mark hollered at us. 'Stop making me the third wheel, I'll try not to break any of my bones either!' He said nodding his head innocently and then chuckling. 'Jenna loves you two Mark, don't get jealous, just because she actually said hey to me!' Josh countered back childishly, sticking out his small pink tongue while squinting as he chuckled too. I joined in 'Personally I think Jenna loves me most' And at that remark both of the other boys looked at me and started arguing.  
However over there smalls shouts of childish humour Michael tapped my shoulder and cued us for a 10 second countdown before the first song began. Adrenaline coursed my cold veins but I knew as soon as I ran up through the stage entrance/ exit, heat would grow and impregnate my body, red hot blood would boil as I sung the lyrics that burnt my brain, and I would be happy so ridiculously happy.  
-  
My red sock clad feet battered along the black rubber of the stage, the darkness that covered the vast arena sprang to life and red and white booming lights shattered the peaceful mirage. Josh beat down with his lean muscle, knocking the drum beats steadily to the song, my mouth opened, I still get shocked. Grabbing the dangling black microphone that hung lowly from the bland structure, I persevered through the loud shock and began to sing the opening lyrics to HeavyDirtySoul.  
Throughout the show I spoke and danced trying to make it more than just a show. I spoke words trying to make the clique understand my views and opinions, my main one being; Josh is amazing.  
'Would you all please give up for my best fren on the drums over there... Josh Dun everybody.' Each time Josh's eyes would sparkle like a kid on Christmas, and honestly every show does feel like Christmas because it's a miracle we got here. Towards the end of the show I stopped playing the song Trees half way through. 'To all my friends, Turn to whoever is next to you. And you make friends with them, we are all trying to get by, and we are all lonely and afraid but friends can fix that, so turn to whoever is next to you and make friends with them, Josh is my best friend, you should make more frens and if you haven't already found that little bit of wander in your life.” I then sent Josh a cheeky smile and continued the song.  
'We are Twenty One Pilots and so are you!'  
-  
Walking off stage was always more than going on, I was always tired and sweaty but I was fuelled, the stomach in my brain had been fed and I was no longer starving. I was satisfied for once, the ever growing and hungry beast in my body was sated for something of an hour before the blood rushed again and the sadness at the flood gates opened and welled up. Mark and other crew members patted mine and Josh's back congratulating us on another show telling us to go shower. We both agreed thankful for the showers at the venue. We both also congratulated the crew and thanked them for another night before Michael shouted at us to get a move because we smell really bad.  
As we showered me and Josh spoke through the fabric walls of the shower curtain, “I’m excited to be back on the road, I was getting antsy not doing anything, as much as I love Jen, I need this.” Josh chuckled at my statement agreeing with me, nodding to himself before he realised i couldn’t see him and proceeded with “Yea, plus she wouldn’t let me have any more of her cookies until she’d left. “If we didn’t run around and crap all day, you would be such a couch potato with all the cookies Jen gives you.” “You’re just jealous cos she loves me more.” Josh said sticking his tongue out at me as I stepped out the shower into the still steamed up room. Josh was sitting with his towel wrapped around him, phone in hand, looking at all the tweets from the concert tonight. My eyes rake over him, looking over his sweaty muscles along his torso, this wasn’t new for me, i’d often looked over him and his beautiful body, i wasn’t jealous but I appreciated his body probably a bit too much. Me and Jen had once spoken about it and maybe if it was anyone else, a husband would of then felt insecure knowing their wife very much thought Josh’s body was attractive but never the less I didn’t, I only agreed.  
A joke that had radiated between us was just the a competition of who Jen loved most, a little bit ridiculous but we all meant well. At one point over the break when we’d been jointly arguing over a picnic which Jenna made. Jenna ended up shouting at us telling us she wouldn't love either of us if we kept fighting, that lead to both of us lying in her lap and showering her with praise. Me kissing her lips and Josh kissing her cheek, grinning at both of us. I have a lot of memories of all of us, huddled up and cuddling, loving each other. A tone of illness swept across me, a question that had repeatedly been popping into my head for the past year, maybe longer, do I love Josh? More than platonically, I was beginning to side on yes, the guilt seeped in.  
-  
We drove through the night. It is about 3am and neither me or Josh can sleep. Both so pumped on adrenaline and most probably awake due to that we have both drank nearly a litre of Red Bull each. We both know we'll be shattered tomorrow but we still sit and snack on the cookies that Jenna gave us before we left for tour. We are sat snuggled close wrapped in a soft teal blanket that Mark gave us before shuffling to his bunk. We decided to watch Harry Potter. And when I say we, I mean I bullied Josh into watching it.  
'This movie is dumb'  
'Josh no it isn't'  
I gazed at him silently pleading him to be quiet for the rest of the movie. Both of us fell asleep like that. The teal blanket protecting us from everything as we slumbered with cookie crumbs stuck to our faces and clothes. As usual i had a nightmare, or well an unpleasant dream, I took medication and tried to eat healthier to help ease the dreams but i regularly still had uncomfortable ones. Ones that also tended to involve whatever i was hurting about, what I was confused about. Josh.  
\---  
i woke up to Mark sitting across from us with what smelt like a cup of coffee. His eyes shifting over us as we yawned tiredly. 'You guys did this all last tour and you both complained of cricked necks, so you better not complain because you both know the consequences.' i bit my lip and giggled, then shook Josh’s shoulder to rouse him from his sleep. His eyes fluttered open then shut back tightly, afraid of the morning light that he’d been sheltered from all night. Mark tutted at both Josh and me again for sleeping on the couch, although he knew it wouldn’t stop us anytime soon, he was sometimes very motherly over us. But he really only wanted to slow his inevitable headache that was usually caused by our stupid complaints and comments. We both love teasing him. I soon get up stretching my limbs and offering to get Josh a cup of coffee and some toast. As I walk slowly into the makeshift kitchen and gather the ingredients, I hear Mark mutter to Josh: 'No matter how long I've been friends with you and no matter how long I tour with you, I will never understand how close you guys are, it is very adorable, you're probably sick of hearing that but I can never get over it.' and then he chuckles.  
I smile at that. I am close with Josh and I love that but again the feeling of guilt which seems to of doubled over the break falls in a little, the smile that was guiding my face suddenly became draining and fake. As i succumbed to the thoughts.  
-  
Soundcheck is its normal ritual. It is strange to feel like this is normal even though tour should feel alien. I know after doing it for so long it is expected but touring feels like it should be a weird foreign thing that I never should get used to because it is not someone's regular life. But it is because it is my regular life and I think is very strange that I can get so into schedule so quickly, even after one day of not touring for a couple of months. As me and Josh stop playing our instruments to the final song, we hear numerous shouts that notifies me that soundcheck is over and it is time for the crew to set up the lights and etc for the show. I find that my feet are taking me off the stage and into the the corridor that should take me to mine and Josh's rooms. I hear Josh scuttling behind me, following me into the homely room that shall vacate us for the next couple of hours.  
'Do you wanna go out, just for a little bit?' i ask in a soft voice trying to rest it after soundcheck. 'Sure but where?' Josh replies swiftly, not missing a beat. 'I heard that the is a lovely bakery near here, it is famous and it sounded delicious, Jenna said we should go.' 'Well if Jenna recommended it then we really must, mustn't we?' Josh replied quickly again.  
-  
Both of us got ready to leave the venue. Josh had on his favorite shirt. It was also my favorite. His NASA shirt was one he wore repeatedly and secretly had 2 copies of just so he could wear them more. We both shuffled down the pavement. Josh's Red-y Pink hair flapping in the wind distracted me lots, but it was possibly the prettiest thing. As I got directions up for this Bakery we both realized we a little more than hungry at the rumbling of our stomachs. 'Good job we are getting food' smiled Josh and I couldn't but agree. As we entered the small bakery the smell of delicious foods filled our noses and we both smiled knowing we'd made the best choice.  
As we sat down and enjoyed fresh juice and macaroons, I couldn't help but feel that this setting was very date like. A small unique cafe with novelty baked goods, screamed cute date idea to me. I should definitely take Jenna or Josh to more places like this. It was one of those thoughts I didn't think much about. Taking Josh or Jenna to a date place seemed very suitable to me. I mean we often referred to when all 3 of us hung out as dates, or date night and I did take Jen out but not anywhere near as much.  
I love Jen and I love Josh but when we hang out together it’s like everything is crashing around us but no one could even touch us. It’s how I imagine normal people feel when they get married, or have sex or something equally expressionate. I could spend all day with them and it wouldn’t bother me, I doubt Jenna agrees, she’s never said anything about us being close and she’s said Josh is hot but that really doesn’t equal wanting to date both of us. Josh would freak if he knew what i was thinking about and It’s not something I can just strike up to someone.  
-  
After the show we were again allowed to take a shower, this time I kindly offered Josh to have a shower first. One he kindly took. As Josh stood in the shower I stood and waited for him wrapped in my light blue towel. Knowing that Josh was so close and so.. Naked. Got my mind wondering, It wasn't in a weird way I just wondered what he looked like, although me and Josh are very close I've never seen him. The explicit thoughts shook my mind until I heard the familiar dinging of my phone. My iPhone showed me that Jenna had sent me a snapchat.  
It was a cute selfie of her saying 'Hey'. And just as Josh stepped out the shower with his towel around his hips he saw me with my phone. I relocated my phone so that we were both in it and shouted at him to smile. I then captioned it 'HEY BEAUTIFUL' I started collecting things for my shower and waited for Jenna to respond. This time it was just text but she'd sent 'That better be directed at me ;)' Chuckling I responded with 'Of course not we both know Josh is beautiful'  
'Josh talk to Jenna, I'm gonna shower'  
As i stepped into the steamy area where Josh had just been standing I heard the unmistakeable sound of a ringing phone, “Hey Jen” said Josh, i listened into the conversation between the two, Jenna didn’t bother asking about me, completely fine with just chatting to Josh as if he was her boyfriend. It made me wonder, I let myself get drawn into the idea of dating them, this ideal world where i was both of theirs. I suddenly felt tears prickle my eyes as I felt harsh dark thoughts trickle down my spine and into the drain. “Slut” and “You can never just take what you have” “greedy” and all sorts of things spiralled into me. The sickness returned to my stomach as i suddenly started retching, i felt sick at myself, my body convulsed as i tried to throw up. “Tyler!” Josh shouted through the chic curtain. “I’m fine” I choked out, evidently not fine, after a minute of me continuing to retch and cough Josh’s voice shattered the horrific silence “I...i’m coming in, okay..?” Josh said hesitantly but worried. He gave me a couple seconds to cover up but I was too busy kneeling at the bottom of the shower, curled up in my self. He pulled back the curtain, towel behind his back as he reached into the shower, getting his newly put on shirt wet. He turned off the water that was now running freezing evident from how i was shivering.  
Josh closed his eyes, “Stand up Ty” he said kindly, offering me my towel. I coughed alerting him that I was covered up and more okay, still shaking he pulled me into a hug, my wet torso being pushed against his, spotting his shirt with water.  
-  
Once again Josh and me found ourselves squished up on the sofa late at night, however this time it was okay because we had a day off. This day would mostly be travelling however the fun wouldn't stop just because of that. Both of us slept snuggled warmly into each other, it was just regular me and Josh. “Are you doing okay?” Josh asked kindly, questioning me about that escapade earlier, I’d told him it must of been dehydration that I wasn’t used to yet as i didn’t drink throughout the show however i could see his worrying eyes, debating whether he should do something about it or not. However he knew I was a little all over the place especially at the start of tour, when leaving Jen was fresh, both of usually were. Until he knew more of my mental state he decided to hold off.  
By the morning I woke splayed across Josh's lap while his head lay elegantly on the top if the low sofa. Josh's mouth hung gaping open with drool pooling around his lips. It was kinda gross but kinda cute. His small eyes squinted and shut keeping his mind in a fortress of sleep. I didn't dare wake him, his innocence was adorable and I thought he should get some sleep even though i'd barely had an hour due to inevitable over-thinking. I couldn't move because of this, i'd feel bad if my restlessness woke him up. However all I really wanted to do was surprise Josh with some coffee and breakfast. I slowly but surely shifted my legs off of Josh's warm lap and replaced my warmth with the teal blanket.  
Josh moaned sleepily 'Tyler, m'come back I wanna cuddle' It was possibly the cutest thing Tyler had ever witnessed. 'Joshie go back to sleep' I whispered and watched as Josh cuddled into the blanket and wished that it was me he was cuddling instead. Josh's cuddles were even better than Jenna's. After I continued my journey and strode to the front of the bus where I asked the driver if we could stop soon due to me wanting breakfast. Luckily we were 20m from a service station and pulled over straight away. 'Score!' I said quietly under my breath. As soon as we stopped I rushed out to the nearest coffee shop which happened to be a Starbucks. I ordered Josh a Americana and myself a Latte with some blueberry muffins. I then ordered Mark a plain black coffee and a croissant. As soon as I paid and left the station, I bounded onto the bus and noticed Josh laying there with his sleepy eyes slightly open.  
“Morning Josh”'  
“Morning Baby Boy”  
I then presented his breakfast too him, maybe a little to dramatically which made Marks coffee spill a little. Josh only laughed at my excitement and thanked me for his breakfast. 'Be back one second Josh' I said as I slowly walked through the length of the bus until I got to Marks bunk where I found him changed and on his phone. After I gave him his breakfast I left him to wake up other crew members to use the stations facilities and get refreshments.  
When we got to Clarkson we decided to walk around and get some fresh air however I didn't have much of a plan. This led to me and Josh wandering off from everyone else because we got too excited about little things and ended up running away. Not one of our finest moments but the crew know we are basically children. A small ice-cream van drove by slowly wafting a delicious smell to us. 'Wait here' exclaimed Josh before I could stop him. He walked over to the van and brought one massive strawberry cone with lots of sprinkles and generous amounts of source. As he wandered back he said 'They're so big I thought we could just have one between us' 'But they were so expensive Josh you didn't have too.'  
'But I owe you, but I just kinda wanted to Ty.' I smiled and blushed. Then Josh pulled me into a hug and kissed my head.  
-  
The day was very average and normal but the show was unique. The red flashing lights blinding me. The scarlet haze was deafening. But I loved it. As I fell backwards after "being shot" my elbows spiraled into a cloud of pain. The sudden shock of the injury made me stutter on my lyrics minutes after the fall had occurred. But the adrenaline that coursed my veins built up my courage and spent itself driving me forward. I realized that the pain was an addicting plead pulling at BlurryFace. But I pushed him down and sung the words. 'I've got two faces, Blurry's the one I'm not.' The clique radiated with sympathy and empathy, pity and pride. At the pain i felt, i knew i couldn’t let myself fall down that hole, and knew at some point i needed to get the guilty disease of my chest and tell someone about my indulgent thoughts. After the show Josh noticed the worried look that covered my usually neutral face. 'What's up Ty?' 'Let's skype Jenna' 'Okay T'  
*Josh texts Jenna telling her he's worried about Tyler and that he seems off but doesn't want to push him so that maybe Jenna should ask Tyler if he's okay*  
The small loading symbol bubbled and moved as both Josh and me waited for Jenna to answer our call. 'Hey you two happy boys' Jenna giggled out, a big smile covering her small face. 'Hey Jen' We both said at the same time, we then looked at each other and burst into giggles at our synchronized speech. We spoke about stupid things like the latest TV shows and Silly viral videos. But after we'd all stopped our chuckling and laughing, Jenna looked at me with wondering eyes and a small smile and said. 'Ty what's wrong, I can see in your eyes you're worried about something.” I looked at Josh and saw him nodding in agreement. I sighed and bit my lip, scrunching my eyes up. Josh pulled me in and hugged me.  
'Is it Blurry Ty?' Jenna almost whispered, barely able to speak of my insecurities, the ones that ate me up inside and made me fear living. 'A little bit, my head's a bit muddled' I whisper back. Both Josh and Jenna's worried glances going unnoticed. 'It's not that bad just, I hit my elbows when I fell and it was almost lovely and i’m having some thoughts that are troubling me.' 'You can't get into hurting yourself again Ty' Josh whispered his voice breaking and water filling his eyes. 'I won't' I said breaking the quiet atmosphere we'd made accidentally. 'I won't' I repeated smiling. Jenna smiled but Josh still looked worried. ' I know just how to fix this!' exclaimed Jenna. 'Expect a surprise at the Grand Rapids venue tomorrow.' This left both me and Josh in confusion.  
'I have to go my dears, It's very late and I can't stay up all night like you two. Love you both, have a good time until I speak to you next.' She then blew us a kiss and we said our goodbyes and then hung-up.  
-  
'I wonder what Jenna's surprise is.' I wonder out loud. 'I don't know but i'm sure it'll be wonderful.' Josh answered. 'Probably. Its Jenna.' We both walked off the bus and slowly made our way into the arena. We both turned down the twisted corridor and made our way into our dressing room. There she was.  
Standing in all her beauty.  
Jenna waved biting her pink lip.  
We both gasped and ran hugging her. She wrapped her slender tanned arms around us. 'Hello babies' We both smiled and only held tighter onto her. And maybe Josh should of felt awkward because he wasn't dating Jenna and this was quite intimate as it was the first time Jenna and Tyler had seen each other in a week due to Jenna being with her family just before they went on tour. But he didn't, he only felt complete and so did Tyler and Jenna. Although I was barely holding it together with thoughts of polyamory, i was hoping slightly that the others felt the serenity in just being together.  
\---  
We lay snuggled up on the sofa. Me and Josh's head layed over Jenna's thighs. We are giggling about our set and about how Josh keeps losing his drumsticks because of how intense he plays. And as we, me and Jenna giggled, Josh muttered 'shh' multiple times but we were already laughing and cackling, so much so that Josh's first reaction was to turn his head and sink his teeth into Jenna's thigh as a way of play fighting, of course not so much that it actually hurt her. But Jenna's voice hitched only slightly. A flicker of lust and a flicker of guilt both passed her eyes so quickly that it was hard to see but I knew her too well to miss it.  
We all quieted down after laughing and I decided that maybe I was too close to Josh, maybe Jenna was too but I loved them and I almost didn't mind that Josh bit my wife's thigh in a way that turned her on. The only thoughts that went through my mind were the following 3:  
I should try that on her next time.  
Josh should try that on me some time.  
We could all do that. And I want that.  
It was 3 thoughts that significantly changed my mindset. By the end of tour I want this, this brief dip of purity that maybe doing something about it would be okay before the dark thoughts descended again, and i was again unsure of how to handle this however I knew i could bring this up to Jen now, i knew she was attracted to Josh significantly.  
-  
Josh went to the toilet so I sat up and kissed Jenna sweet lips, they tasted of fruity yogurt. I then nestled my small head into the nook of Jennas neck and whispered softly something that was so risky and dangerous It could end everything. But i had to know. 'Did you... did you like him biting you.' Jenna's eyes widened, 'What, Ty of course not' She stumbled out, eyes bulging with shock that I’d caught her.  
I pulled away from her citrus-esque smelling hair. 'Don't lie Jen, you looked like you liked it.' Jenna's eyebrows pulled together, 'Maybe a little' she said eyes welling up with tears as she admitted defeat knowing I had already figured her attraction to him out. I lay my head back again 'So did I' while nodding letting her know it was okay, my eyes also welling up with liquid, feeling the relief fill up my chest at admitting it. And then Josh waked back in the room. “You guys... okay?” He said seeing us sat in silence, Jenna just smiled blinking away tears and said “yea of course J.” Before pulling him down onto the sofa again. When she did this she shared a smile with me.  
-  
Jenna said goodbye before the show as she would have to leave midway through in order to catch her plane back to her family. The wasn't a time that I could pull Jen aside because well I don't do that, I never exclude Josh at all. So as i hugged her goodbye i told her to call me later, when we pulled apart our eyes met and we nodded at each other, unsure expressions on our face. Across my mind the thoughts of uncertainty wondered but I shut it off and pulled Jen in for another hug.  
Our show was pretty normal however the plunging feeling of pain from falling down, again chilled my bones and woke me up from this painless sleep I was in. I felt more alive. I wondered throughout the whole show on what i was doing was okay. It sure as hell felt like it wasn’t, I don’t know anyone who has this kind of relationship, i have no idea how it would work or if Jenna or even Josh would agree to something so out there.  
-  
After the show when Josh showered, I called Jenna. I felt guilty for sneaking off behind Josh’s back but i had to talk to Jenna about this.  
Ring, Ring.  
T: Hey Jen.  
J:Hey hun.  
Seconds of hesitation filled the air before I asked.  
T: So about the thing from earlier?  
J:What thing. She says sarcastically.  
T:You know what.  
J:Yea...Well then.  
T: I mean would you want him to be... with... us.  
J:....He basically already is. She says hesitating as well.  
T:I think he makes me happy. I mean not that you don't but when he isn't with us it's like we aren't as...  
J: Complete..?  
T: Yea, do you feel the same? I say guilt flooding me as tears fill my eyes and i let out a sob.  
J: Yea I do but I never wanted to say anything because I thought that it'd seem like I was being a slut and wanting both of you. She says as well as crying. Both of us now having stuffy voices and tears falling down our cheeks.  
T: No Jen, i'd never think that, but if we came out if we did do it, a lot of harsh opinions would be thrown around.  
J:I know however let's just let it happen first.  
T: What should we do?  
J:Wait till I get there on the 15th.  
T:Okay and then we what just…. tell him?  
J:Yea I guess.  
T: Okay, Me and Josh will skype you tomorrow anyway.  
J:Bye honey, I love you.  
T: Bye, Love you too.  
\---  
At this point Tyler's head was sort of all over the place. Was this against probably everything he learnt as a christian? Yes.  
Tyler was in no way homophobic at all, and as along as you weren't rude or against the law for obvious bad reasons etc, then he didn't mind what people did with themselves. However being Monogamous was one of those things that hadn't quite caught "trend" yet. No one ever brought it up at all, it wasn't like racism or homophobia.  
Those things get argued and talked about however monogamy was just sort of the rule that his culture followed and so did most people, besides the cultures that the american school system decided were appropriate he didn't really know anything about, even though he travelled abroad constantly he just never bothered to think about how people live their romantic lives differently, it certainly never bothered him so he had never questioned it and it wasn't like where he went they were all in your face about it, he can't even remember if he'd seen it anywhere abroad.  
It wasn't about his parents either, or his family at all. I mean even though they were all religious and they may not agree with it he know that his family wouldn't disown him or love him any less, they would just be confused and try to understand it some how. They also grew up knowing how close they all were, in the last five years no one had ever questioned Tyler or any of them to his knowledge about their romantic lives. Beside their fans which he knew were just obsessing over the idea of it being their idols not because they were genuinely interested in the idea of polygamy or the logistics of them as people.  
If it was the fourth today, he had to get through eleven days before he could tell Josh, before he felt safe.  
-  
The time passes so quickly. It was like I had felt I was dreaming the whole time. A constant unending paradox of unuseful existential thoughts about polyamory. Josh had started to notice me being off. It wasn't that I was less or more affectionate it was more that I kept shutting myself off and just sat thinking, glazed over a lot. I couldn't hold a conversation. i kept crying. I know that after a year or two of keeping it in, and now having an understanding I should be happy. BUt it was suddenly so real I have no idea how to deal with the situation and I don’t want to put it on Jen because she’s probably stressing in her own way plus i feel bad shutting jOsh out of our conversations. Josh was worried it was Blurryface, and a little bit of it was. When I had one of these unexpected episodes of dreariness Blurry Faces pain was usually the thing that kept me from going numb entirely, all i wanted was to numb out though. I became so depressed, darkness shrouding me. I just want to turn off and lock myself away so I don’;t have to think about loving Josh. As the beginning of Stressed out filled my ears instead of singing the usual lyrics, Blurryface insisted on twisting the words bitterly, the anxiety of fans disliking Stressed out cracked my mind open as my truest words became the stigma of "emo". I let the thought of fans hating stressed Out override the horrific thoughts of whatever my relationship was about to become. Something I worked so hard on, to find fans not letting themselves become excited for just because it was "overstayed and overplayed"

*'I wish I wrote a different song no one's ever heard*  
My heart breaks as a realise my words are turned against me even in the form of a song, my release has become my enemy. tHe stress is catching up with me the liquid negativity is filling up my lungs as i breathe in and out of the dangerous waters of my mind. I’m drowning in my own poison.  
*I wish my mom would just admit she's sick of every word*  
A flashback to when Stressed Out came on at the supermarket with my family and instead of smiling and bobbing along like usual my mom rolled her eyes and sarcastically sung along. Moments of time seeing hate online about it becoming a radio play song.  
*Overplayed, overstayed, it was a smash hit,*  
My fans hated it, my mum hated in, Josh hated it, Jen hated it, i hated it.  
*funny how overplayed songs sound like crap*  
A lyric from fairly local crossed my mind, 'This song will never be on the radio'. Everyone still loved that song.  
*I was told our true fans don't like this song,*  
Do the clique really hate it so much?  
*but I hope they sing along,  
but I hope they sing along'*  
A tear slides down my cheek.  
and then I finish the song and continue the show as normal trying to pretend that i hadn’t just had a complete meltdown in my own head. Trying to pretend that Jenna isn’t going to message me when i get off stage, calling me worried sick after her phone has flooded with twitter notifications asking if I’m okay. Pretending like Josh and Mark don’t keep glancing at me checking I’m not doing something. But even still they don’t stop me when i fall as it’s a part of the show, the sharp pains in my elbows have been bringing me in and out of what felt like metaphorical consciousness. Josh noticed this after i fall back smiling the biggest he'd seen him the entire collection of days.  
It'd been four days in total, so he'd obviously spoken to Jenna but Jenna denied any knowing but sent Tyler texts which he'd reply too alone. Josh was hurt but he pretended he wasn't. He isn't dating them. They're dating each other he shouldn't be so concerned and involved. He let them have privacy but still held on hope that Tyler would return back to normal. He couldn’t say a twinge of anger didn’t hit him though, knowing he could help Ty if he knew the issue.  
-  
I'm holding Josh's warm hand and slowly letting my eyes watch his pretty face as he snored quietly, dozing in and out of dreams as he licks his lips softly and occasionally. His pink fluffy hair looking.. Pull able? I felt bad immediately, Josh might run away after me and Jenna tell him and yet I'm sitting here thinking about ungodly things. About how in the backroom of this very bus, he could get down on his bony knees and I could pull viciously or softly on his pink rough hair and his small, pink,wet mouth would open and wrap itself around my-  
Josh's eyes widen as he looks down at me. Sleep filled and sluggish he smiles. I almost think he could read my mind for a moment especially when his eyes dip down to my lips. But before I could even blink he stands up and then speaks. 'Come on Baby Boy, Let me feed you, let's go out' I smiled but winced and hid behind my knee as it was bent upwards on the black sofa I was sitting on. 'Please Ty Ty' I raised my head and smiled lovingly at him. 'Anything for you Joshie' Mark walked loudly through the bus's black interiour. 'You and your boyfriend need to go eat otherwise Josh is gonna die, he hasn't eaten in a couple hours' says mark dramatically in a sarcastic tone. Both me and Josh giggle but I bite down on my tongue to stop the longing of Josh actually being my boyfriend and the longing for my previous thoughts.  
'I'm gonna get ready to go Josh, my clothes are gross.' I go to change and to cover up any evidence of my saucy thoughts.  
'Let's go'  
-  
We found a small restaurant to eat at and as we walk through the door I realise how many dates are going on. It's quite romantic and that's when i choke up a little bit. Anxiety racking me and nerves building up like fiery waves. It felt like we could be going on a date if I closed my mind slightly, letting it squint, i could imagine us, Josh taking me out on a date. And along with those thoughts come the crashing tidal waves, guilt wreaking havoc everywhere. My head is small but where the riptide and perilous water rests, a baroness cave which seems to stretch on with unfiltered water sneaking into every gap and crack. I’m shaking, probably visibly from the look that Josh is giving me. For anyone with anxiety, you know that feeling where it's like a fire in your stomach, a tornado, anything that could be related to violence is boxed away in your stomach, and then the waves roll in smothering your throat with acid. You just have to keep on sipping water hoping the storm will pass while everyone around you continues their lives. But you have to concentrate on the vortex in your body that is making you shake and shiver and gasp in heat instead of the conversation at hand.  
I realise Josh is speaking to me before i can catch what he's saying. hIm speaking is registering in my head but the movement or motivation to listen does not follow, instead my eyes fall heavy on his lips. Not seductively although his lips are a prize, but more of an outdated idea, maybe I could read his lips but I just fall deeper into the hole in my stomach. I’m in a desert, a dry desert with no sips of water to hide my rapture, so instead I retch up but the only thing that is able to escape me is more and more stomach acid, the sea of my stomach.  
My eyes flicker open, “TYler, Ty, Tyler, TYLER” Josh calls looking at me, I feel woozy and sick a mixture in which is hell, I’m not able to communicate my tongue laden in saliva that I can not swallow. Josh calls over the waiter presumably to get me some water, as he does so jOsh stands up and steps around the table shielding me from the other people along the restaurant. HIs knelt down looking at me seeing my internal struggle, “Okay” he mutters to himself. Before continuing the original plan of water. I can’t say I’m not grateful but it wasn’t the best plan. As a short skinny blonde hair waitress came over she bounces in her steps, she mutters some words that make all those fiery waves crash and start burning at my arteries and organs. My body in living hell, mutilating itself and screaming at me. 'You're a cute couple' she says. And suddenly i’m sobbing, her eyes grow wide and she stutters out about getting a glass of water but i’m already gone.  
I probably look like a lunatic, stumbling with my jumper half falling off my shoulders as I let out a disgusting sob. I ran and I just kept running, tears crashing down my cheeks loudly spitting on my skin. My bones trembling icily scraping against themselves as I rushed out of the vomit inducing restaurant. Why does everyone think we're dating? I know why it’s because we unspokenly are, accept josh doesn’t know it, it's like I’m deceiving him and lying about my intentions, my body is screaming no in protest. I am a horrific friend and an enough more horrible boyfriend, who am I to say I want more, and then take it.  
This isn’t allowed, this isn’t okay. I can’t have them both, it’s ridiculous, I’m greedy, i’m selfish. And besides Josh would never want me, as much as we joke there's a line between friendship and dating, one i have crossed but I’m sure he wouldn’t. He is too strong and far, far too lovely to love me back in that way. And Jenna she was probably joking about the whole damn thing, waiting for it to fail, so she could giggle giddily at me, thinking I wasn’t serious about loving him.  
And maybe something even more ridiculous crosses my mind. When they find me I’ll be a fool and this is not the first time something like this has happened, Jenna and Josh will get sick of it, sick of me. Jenna thinks Josh is hot and no doubt about it i bet J thinks Jen is a pretty flower, like I do. Maybe instead of becoming 3 we’ll stay a 2 just without me. God, all I want is to be a 3. Us three. ANother fresh bout of tears pour down my face because I know it could never work out, Maybe if we get as far as saying it aloud but it would never work, he wouldn’t agree, he’d leave and then maybe she would too.  
Everyone's going to hate me.  
"Tyler"  
Everyone's going to hate me.  
Josh shouted repeatedly. Trying to catch my attention as a I ran up the dark street, tears blurrying my vision and snot clogging me up, I slowed and coughed. The phlegm in my throat from crying, getting caught and causing me to spit out most of my lungs.  
HATE.  
"Tyler"  
Josh squid-ed to a slow next to me. His pink hair a flourish of colour.  
HATE.  
"What's wrong?"  
His head bent down and his hands on my shoulders, we locked eyes.  
"I'm can't stop crying."  
THEY ALL THINK YOU'RE A SLUT.  
I pulled his muscular body into a hug. Clenching tightly, holding onto him like the was nothing in the world that could make it better besides him.  
"I love you Josh"  
I choked out, and I keep repeating it, coughing and crying and choked up.  
"I love you Josh"  
Josh pulled me in further,  
"Hey buddy, I love you too, what's wrong"  
I just kept crying.  
HATE. HATE. HATE.  
"Josh, I love you so much"  
"Come on Ty let's get off the streets."  
He held me under his arm never letting to much pressure falling on me and guiding me through the labyrinth of roads to the bus.  
"Come on baby boy"  
He helped me up the stairs and sat me on the black sofa. "I'll be back soon okay, just wait here" So I sat with snot and tears running down my face and I put my messy head in my lap. Rubbing my scalp and pulling hair, I tried to run through the thoughts in my head however all that came out were salted screams that tugged at my brain and scraped my skull. A hushed voice tells anyone left on the bus to leave, telling them to go get a meal while they talk to me and calm me down. That's when Josh comes back, He has a blanket, and some tissues. He takes my body like mannequin and wraps me in a blanket, folding it under my body and cozy-ing me into a soft ball of warmth. He knelt in front of me and held my shaking hands with his strong ones. "Tyler. Breathe. Okay?" My harsh breaths slowing as we both counted.  
And once my lungs returned to their normal breathing pattern. "Okay baby boy what's wrong?" Josh removed one of his hands from my hand and started stroking my head and playing with my short hair. "My heads so loud Josh, I'm so scared"  
"Why's it loud Ty?" "Because of this bad thing I want, I'm greedy"  
"No Ty, you deserve the world, what do you want?" "I'm a slut."  
Josh looks confused and cocks his head to the side. "Should I call Jenna?" i make a strategic hesitant pause before answering "I don't know" and I look at the ground again. Josh pulls out his phone and goes to the kitchen. He puts on the kettle and starts getting things out the cupboards and fridge. Five minutes later of me sat numbing myself out. He brings me hot chocolate with whipped cream. And as he hands it to me. The warm covers me and makes me feel a little better. He pulls out some sprinkles. "Just for you my baby boy." He tells me his mouth lifting to a stressed out smile that was only half full.I take a gulp of the burning delicious liquid only to have Josh giggle at me. He wipes some cream of my nose and licks it.  
"How cliche dog breath"  
"Only in a love story...Ty" Josh chuckles his eyes leaving mine and looking down at the floor, Josh almost looks sad for a moment. I stare into his eyes, those hazelnut pools of beauty when he looks at me again, not letting him break the eye contact he looks back at me. How cliche.  
Just for a second my mind goes blank, he is so close and our eyes are forced together, I’m feeling light as i feel a breeze ease my forward, leaning in, the pressure and intimacy of the situation creating a build up that was going to crash any second now. If I could only taste his lips. My eyes flutter shut and my lips open slightly. I exhale in excitement. Our lips touch. Our breath mixing and entwining and as we lean in more. Josh's phone rings. We stop and look at each other for what felt like infinity as the phone continues to vibrate and jitter in josh’s pocket. Josh closes his eyes and shakes his head almost reluctantly, before whispering "I'm so confused". This time for once it's not me muttering those words. He leans back as he stands up and I jut my head out and follow his lips for a second before I realise the moments gone.  
Oh Geeze Josh must be so confused. He walks to the linoleum plated kitchen and answers his phone.  
-  
JD: Hey Jen  
JJ: Yeh J, are you okay? Is Ty okay? You said it was urgent I call you, what's wrong? ; Jenna's voice rung out, worry and anxiety filling her voice.  
JD: So Ty is a bit of a mess. ; Josh lets out hesitantly, worried about how he’ll explain.  
JJ: Is it the thing he's been off about all week?  
JD: neither of you have told me so I don't know, but, he said he was a slut. Which really threw me off, I don't know, he said that he wants things and that he is greedy? Do you know what this is about? ; Josh outbursts angrily at first before again letting wander and confusion cloud his tone as he explains my odd behaviour.  
JJ: Yea I know, is there anything else that's happened?  
JD: Well Jen I don't want to upset you but I... We.. I...He.. No it was both of us... urmmm..well it was probably just all the chemicals going on his head, it was really intense but… ; Josh stumbles out unsure of how to explain almost infidelity lightly, waiting for Jenna to scream and shout at him, although Jen wasn’t one of those people to resort to raising her voice, he thought this might be a bit of different situation.  
JJ: OH MY GOD did you guys kiss? Did you, thats so cute? ; Jenna lets out after Josh trails off, her excitement evident in her voice.  
JD: No.. I mean, what? That is not what I was expecting, I'm even more confused now. ; Josh hesitates between each sentence, confusion settling into every crack of his body.  
JJ: Did you?  
JD: No we nearly did but you called and we stopped.  
JJ: oh sorry ; Jenna giggles as she speaks.  
JD: What's going on Jen?  
JJ: I know I'm not supposed to come up for a couple days but I think I'm going to join tour early okay? ; Jen suddenly says seriously recognising jOsh’s anxiety of the situation.  
JD: of course but Jen what's happening? ; Josh says in an almost whine feeling pretty blind about the whole day's events.  
JJ: Me and Ty will explain tomorrow, just watch some TV with Ty and calm him down, Tell him we will explain early because of what happened.  
JD: Okay Jen but I'm trusting you.  
JJ: Good boy, I love you J don't forget that okay, tell Ty too, I'll see you tomorrow hun. ; Josh shivers when Jen calls him a good boy, her good boy.  
JD: Okay, I love you too, See ya.  
-  
Josh walks slowly back into the room, he breathes in and twitches his mouth to the side. Wondering what to do. He walks to the TV and pulls out too Wii remotes and reboots the console. He holds my remote looking down at it. Jen says “she's coming to join tour early tomorrow and that you're going to explain to me tomorrow what's going on because of what's happened, she says she loves you and will see you tomorrow" He hands me the remote, leans down and kisses my cheek.  
I make a bold move and I turn my head and press a kiss to his lips. I then lift my hand and hold his cheek. "I love you Josh."  
" I love you too Ty" Although relief and stress at the same time bind me, I cannot say what didn’t bind Josh. I could see an array of emotion across him but mainly confusion but also happiness when we kissed. No, not happy, content.  
-  
I open my eyes to see Jenna sitting in front of me.  
Smiling sweetly.  
Swirling softly  
Drifting like the cream in your coffee

**Author's Note:**

> Find out what happens next in the series, and check out my collection: The Emotional Roadshow.


End file.
